Friday, April 28, 2006

I Couldn't Stop Crying...

I said I’d write more about my trip to Portland when I’d figured out how to put what I was feeling into words.
here’s my best attempt, it’s disoriented, rambling, and all over the place, but it’s the best I can do at the moment.
I left my grandparents in Oregon about 4pm and didnt stop crying until I fell asleep around 3am.
I also felt nauseaus for SEVERAL hours after I got home and I still don’t know if it’s due to the two frappucinos at the airport while waiting for my flight, the three vodka tonics on the flight home, the jack in the box drive thru on my way home from the airport, a legitimate illness, or stress and emotions. Whichever it was, I hate nausea.

Heres the background.
In August of 2004 my grandmother, Grandma, was diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer. She has several small tumors on the glands surrounding her lungs. Shortly after her diagnosis she began chemotherapy. During the past 20 months she has only had one break in chemotherapy treatments and that was for about two months this past December and January.
During the past 20 months she’s also aged about 10-15 years.
It’s hard seeing her go through this.
Grandma D has always been so energetic, upbeat, positive, and vibrant. Now, she seems to sleep about 18-20 hours a day and her answer to most questions is “whatever, I don’t care”.

When I got to Portland last Friday, I took the lightrail half way from the airport to my grandparents which was perfect because the lightrail station is close to the hospital and Grandma D had a chemotherapy appointment about a half hour after my train arrived.
We got to the hospital, and as we were driving around the parking garage looking for a space, Grandma said “Can’t we just tell them that I’m done with this?”

Several times over my visit I got the distinct impression that Grandma does not want to continue with the chemotherapy and that the only reason she keeps going is that Grandpa D keeps pushing her.
I’m mixed on this.
On one hand I can understand her wanting to stop chemotherapy, she’s miserable. Shes been going through this for 20 months without any form of remission. I don’t think it’s fair for Grandpa to push her to continue the treatments when she hates it so much.
At the same time, I don’t want her to stop the treatments. I’m not ready to lose her and I know Grandpa isn’t either and that his intentions are to keep her going. To hopefully see her through to some sort of remission.
I’m also pissed at my aunt and uncle who live about an hour away from my grandparents. My uncle is completely in denial about how sick Grandma is and avoids dealing with it by avoiding her. They used to have dinner with my grandparents about twice a month. Now, my aunt and uncle only go out to visit on holidays and birthdays. It pisses me off because Grandmas doesnt have the energy or stamina to stand and cook meals, Grandpa can make toast, tea, and little else. Am I wrong for thinking that my aunt and uncle should be able to drive out there on Sunday afternoons and cook up a couple of casseroles, or whatever, that Grandpa could heat up throughout the week? It wouldn’t have to be EVERY Sunday, but SOMETHING just to help them out and to support Grandma.

Theres so much more going through my head right now. I’m trying to get up there to visit her again, but with my trip to Ireland next month (I leave 3 weeks from today), my father coming out to visit in mid-June, then the end of June and beginning of July being very busy at work, I don’t thinkg I’ll be able to visit her again until July. But, that could work out well, her birthday is in late July.

On a sidenote, tomorrow is my 1 year bloggiversary.
I really wasnt certain I would keep this thing up for a year.


Maya said...

I am really sorry to hear about your grandmother. I'll be thinking good thoughts for her, and for you.

Shananigans said...

That must be really hard, I'm so sorry. *hugs* I hate it when a loved one is sick and you live so far away, it makes you feel kind of helpless, or something… Anyway I’m sure they appreciated your visit and your support.

kimananda said...

I'm thinking of you and your family.