Saturday, July 18, 2009

Equal Opportunity Snarker

I've been accused of being a sarcastic smart-ass with my friends and coworkers. Snarky, if you will.
Tuesday I told one of the managers at my work the following story. I told him this as a demonstration that I DON'T save up all of my sarcastic comments for the sales reps that I support.

Tuesday morning I had to wake up at the ass crack of dawn to take my mom to the hospital for surgery on her wrist. She has severe carpal tunnel syndrome, in both arms, and has had numerous surgeries, on both arms, over the years.

We leave for the "ambulatory clinic" where she is scheduled to have the surgery. I'm to drop her off before I go to work, and Granny would be picking her up when the surgery is finished. I have no idea where we're going, all I know is that the clinic is in Folsom. I trust that my mother, the one who scheduled the surgery, knows where she is supposed to be.
As we approach Folsom she tells me the general vicinity of where it is so that I can be headed in the right direction. We get to the general area and I ask her where we're supposed to go next.
Mom "They said to go straight through a couple of lights and turn left."
So I go straight.
Me "Um, are we supposed to be going over the highway?"
Mom "I'm not sure"
Me "Because we are, and theres absolutely nothing out this way."
Mom "Well I told her that I knew where the clinics at that last intersection were and she told me to go through a couple of lights and turn left."
Me "But there are 4 different directions from which you can approach any given intersection."
Mom "I told them I was coming from Roseville."
Me "So, that only narrows it down to two different directions. Whats the address for the place"
Mom "I don't know."
Me "You don't know? Don't you have it with you?"
Mom "No. I left the address with Grandma"
Me "Well, do you at least know the name of the street its on?"
Mom "No. But I think it starts with a P."
Me. "You THINK? How...? What...? OH. MY. GOD."
In frustration, I pull over to the side of the road to call Grandma for the address. Thankfully my new phone (Sprints bastardized version of the iPhone) has navigation so I'm able to plug in the address and get us there, only a few minutes late.
I drop mom off in front of the clinic and pull away. As I'm turning out of the parking lot I look up in my rearview mirror to see my mom standing outside the clinic, staring at me. So, I pull around to see what she needs.
Mom "I dropped the check for my co-pay somewhere"
She starts digging through my car - my car is a disaster. There are empty packs of cigarettes, coffee cups, water bottles, etc. all over the floorboard of the passenger seat.
Me "You dropped it?"
Mom "Yes. I can't grip papers together with how bad the carpal tunnel is. THATS WHY I'M HAVING THE SURGERY"
Me "So, you know that you're unable to grip papers together yet you've got paperwork you have to give them PLUS the check for your co-pay"
Mom "Yes."
Me "Did you think that maybe since you have these papers and a check that you have to have with you that maybe you should've put them IN something?"
Mom "I can't take a purse or anything like that in to surgery, VA-NESS-A" (emphasize the 3 syllables there)
Me "LIKE AN EN-VEL-OPE MOTH-ER, so you don't lose your CHECK"
she looks at me blankly
Me "OR, better yet, why don't you safety pin the check to your shirt? ALONG WITH THE ADDRESS OF WHERE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE?"
Then she found the check, slammed my car door, and stomped off.

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