This morning I went to the Susan G Komen Race For the Cure. I walked it. I do not run.
After the run, I mean walk, my friend and I went to lunch with her 4 year old son. As we're leaving the cafe, I'm hugging him goodbye in the parking lot when his hand accidentally gets caught in the neckline of my blouse and he copped a little bit of a feel. He put his hand back, patting my chest, saying "ooooohhhhhh. Whats this?".
I was all "Uhhhhhhhhhhhh?" and looking toward his mother for help because, really? I have no clue how to handle that situation.
So, lil' guys mom was all "Those are Vanessas doobs" apparently thats what he calls them, and yes he fully knows what they are and was just trying to play dumb/cute so he could cop a feel, "and they're not for you to touch. You don't get to play with doobs for a very long time."
And I'm all "Yeah kiddo, you've got about another 14, maybe 13, years before you can play with doobs"
And his mom is all "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Twenty! Thirty! Fourty! Years before he can play with doobs!"
And I'm all "Yeah, you can't play with doobs until you're your grandpas age"
and in my head I'm thinking "damn, I just said 13 or 14 because that would make him 17 or 18 years old and I thought that was a conservative estimate of his approximate age before he'd cop a feel on a girl and actually my gut reaction, which I quickly shot down, because I do have a LITTLE sense about me, was to say 10 years because I'm thinking 14 is probably the young side of average for a teenage boys first grope. Damn. I'm glad I didn't say that."
Showing posts with label Public Humiliation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Public Humiliation. Show all posts
Saturday, May 09, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Something Entertaining
So, I need to put something up here thats a little less depressing. Something light hearted. Something entertaining.
Here is the story about how my mother C-blocked me about a month or so ago.
Yes, you did read that correctly. My very own mother C-blocked me.
About a week or so after Thanksgiving I call my mom on my way home from work and she is out drinking with a friend. They originally met for lunch and had a couple of margaritas and then moved along to a local bar for gin and tonics. I could tell my the slur in her voice that she is in NO shape to drive home so I head towards Folsom to pick her up.
It was FREEZING cold and I was desperately trying to get my mom to leave when her friend felt it was necessary to get another round of drinks. I go inside to help her carry the drinks and when I come out theres a guy named Dan sitting at our table and my mom is holding her hand up to him. I had noticed him before - we'd briefly chatted and he'd bummed a smoke off of me. I'd noticed that he was cute it a slightly uptight conservative kind of way, but whatever. I figured he was coming from work or something himself.
Dan: Um. She said I needed to sit down and.... release my negative energy?
Mom: Yes. I'm picking up on some negative energy from you, you need to release that. Why are you angry?
Dan: Um. Im not angry.
Mom: What are you mad about
Dan: Um, I'm not mad
Mom: What are you afraid of? fear is a negative energy too
Dan: Im... I'm not afraid
Mom: Did you get in a fight with someone today? An argument with someone? A coworker? Your parents?
Dan: Nooo
Mom: Did you just break up with your girlfriend? Are you hurt about that? What happened?
Dan: Um. I broke up with my girlfriend about 7 or 8 months ago?
Mom: I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! Tell us about it
and it went from there. My mom and her friend attacked him, badgering him about what he could do to get back together with his ex-girlfriend and so on and so on.
The part that REALLY got me was that several times in the midst of telling him how he should get back together with his ex, she said
"You seem like a nice guy! I'd introduce you to my daughter here!"
Trust me, it was a struggle to not
A: scream "Shut the F up then and let US talk!
or
B: "accidentally" knock her 7th (thats right, 7th...) gin & tonic into her lap.
But, I kept my cool and just sat there silently.
The only satisfaction I got out of the whole night was that my mother had a hangover for about 2 days afterwards. Unfortunately, she also projectile vomited all over the passenger side of my car. I found out that those map pockets on car doors can do double duty as vomit basins.
Sigh. He was cute. I wonder if he would mind hanging out with a woman who's mother is looney and prone to drunken vomiting.
After stewing on this for a while, I posted the story on Craigslist Missed Connections. What can I say? He was cute.
Here is the story about how my mother C-blocked me about a month or so ago.
Yes, you did read that correctly. My very own mother C-blocked me.
About a week or so after Thanksgiving I call my mom on my way home from work and she is out drinking with a friend. They originally met for lunch and had a couple of margaritas and then moved along to a local bar for gin and tonics. I could tell my the slur in her voice that she is in NO shape to drive home so I head towards Folsom to pick her up.
It was FREEZING cold and I was desperately trying to get my mom to leave when her friend felt it was necessary to get another round of drinks. I go inside to help her carry the drinks and when I come out theres a guy named Dan sitting at our table and my mom is holding her hand up to him. I had noticed him before - we'd briefly chatted and he'd bummed a smoke off of me. I'd noticed that he was cute it a slightly uptight conservative kind of way, but whatever. I figured he was coming from work or something himself.
Dan: Um. She said I needed to sit down and.... release my negative energy?
Mom: Yes. I'm picking up on some negative energy from you, you need to release that. Why are you angry?
Dan: Um. Im not angry.
Mom: What are you mad about
Dan: Um, I'm not mad
Mom: What are you afraid of? fear is a negative energy too
Dan: Im... I'm not afraid
Mom: Did you get in a fight with someone today? An argument with someone? A coworker? Your parents?
Dan: Nooo
Mom: Did you just break up with your girlfriend? Are you hurt about that? What happened?
Dan: Um. I broke up with my girlfriend about 7 or 8 months ago?
Mom: I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! Tell us about it
and it went from there. My mom and her friend attacked him, badgering him about what he could do to get back together with his ex-girlfriend and so on and so on.
The part that REALLY got me was that several times in the midst of telling him how he should get back together with his ex, she said
"You seem like a nice guy! I'd introduce you to my daughter here!"
Trust me, it was a struggle to not
A: scream "Shut the F up then and let US talk!
or
B: "accidentally" knock her 7th (thats right, 7th...) gin & tonic into her lap.
But, I kept my cool and just sat there silently.
The only satisfaction I got out of the whole night was that my mother had a hangover for about 2 days afterwards. Unfortunately, she also projectile vomited all over the passenger side of my car. I found out that those map pockets on car doors can do double duty as vomit basins.
Sigh. He was cute. I wonder if he would mind hanging out with a woman who's mother is looney and prone to drunken vomiting.
After stewing on this for a while, I posted the story on Craigslist Missed Connections. What can I say? He was cute.
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