Reason #83 Why I Should Not Be A Mother

This morning I went to the Susan G Komen Race For the Cure. I walked it. I do not run.
After the run, I mean walk, my friend and I went to lunch with her 4 year old son. As we're leaving the cafe, I'm hugging him goodbye in the parking lot when his hand accidentally gets caught in the neckline of my blouse and he copped a little bit of a feel. He put his hand back, patting my chest, saying "ooooohhhhhh. Whats this?".
I was all "Uhhhhhhhhhhhh?" and looking toward his mother for help because, really? I have no clue how to handle that situation.
So, lil' guys mom was all "Those are Vanessas doobs" apparently thats what he calls them, and yes he fully knows what they are and was just trying to play dumb/cute so he could cop a feel, "and they're not for you to touch. You don't get to play with doobs for a very long time."
And I'm all "Yeah kiddo, you've got about another 14, maybe 13, years before you can play with doobs"
And his mom is all "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Twenty! Thirty! Fourty! Years before he can play with doobs!"
And I'm all "Yeah, you can't play with doobs until you're your grandpas age"
and in my head I'm thinking "damn, I just said 13 or 14 because that would make him 17 or 18 years old and I thought that was a conservative estimate of his approximate age before he'd cop a feel on a girl and actually my gut reaction, which I quickly shot down, because I do have a LITTLE sense about me, was to say 10 years because I'm thinking 14 is probably the young side of average for a teenage boys first grope. Damn. I'm glad I didn't say that."

I Thought I Had a Leprechaun

Theres been a few times over the past couple of weeks where I have randomly found money is strange places....
A $10 bill in my bed
A couple of $1 in my pile of dirty laundry
A $5 under one of my pillows
and more like this.

The ones in my bed I figured had probably fallen out of my purse and the ones in the laundry I figured that I had left in my pockets.

It was either that, or I had a leprechaun.

A viable theory since this was in the weeks leading up to Saint Patrick's Day, right? RIGHT?!?

I actually spotted my leprechaun ON Saint Patrick's Day....
He's black, furry, and has 4 legs.

I was sitting at my computer and out of the corner of my eye, I see Cooper stick his head in my purse and pull out a few $1 bills and go trotting off with them.

He's stashing cash around the house!

He's not chewing it up. He's just stashing it.

I have no idea what this is other than maybe he recognizes that we're in a recession and wants to build a little nest egg to ensure there are funds available for the future purchase of pup-peroni and fauxreos?

It Runs In the Family

Overall, my family is a fairly intelligent group of people. Of course there are certain areas where this is more prevalent than others... as a whole, we tend to pick up languages easily, there a couple very gifted writers, we tend to be ahead of the curve when learning new topics. For some of us, this translates to very practical purposes, for others it applies to more abstract topics.
Despite this, we are all prone to moments of extreme.... dippyness. We all do things that make a person look at us and want to pat us on the head while saying "you're pretty". The one who does this the most frequently is my aunt, Gloria.
A few years ago Gloria was over one day and used my shower. This is something that her and her daughters love to do - use my shower - because one of my self indulgences is bath products. In my shower you are guaranteed to find at least 2 different types of shampoo & conditioner, 3 body washes, and a variety of loofahs and loofah type products.
Anyways, Gloria used my shower and when she came out she said "Hey Ness, I LOVE your new exfoliating glove. Its fanastic! I hope you don't mind that I used it".
Vanessa: No prob... what?
Gloria: Your exfoliating glove.
V: What exfoliating glove?
G: The one in your bathroom. It was on top of the toilet.
V: I don't have an exfoliating glove.
G: Yeah you do - the blue rubbery one.
V: ... :::blinking:::....
G: Hang on, I'll get it.

and she comes back out with this



I busted up laughing.
G: Whats so funny?
V: hahahahaha..snort...hahaha
G; What?
V: Take a good look at that.. hahahaha
G: What?
V: Thats not an exfoliating glove. Thats a grooming glove. I bathe the dogs with it... you're so pretty.

Adventures at Walmart

I was doing some shopping this evening at my local Walmart and felt compelled to photograph some of the items in stock.

How do we know the holiday season is approaching?
By the red, pink, and blue artificial trees of course.



As cheesy as it is, I am a little partial to the pink one.

For the pampered pooch



Vitamin Water. For your dog. One was for general wellbeing, one for dental care, and one for a shiny coat.

Single serving Spam



When you just don't want to open an entire can.

Theres nothing like that Baked Virginia Ham Taste.



Its not a treat, its a "treet".

Sorry for the poor picture quality, my camera phones not the greatest.

An EmbarASSing Story...

Today I was reminded of an embarassing situation I got myself into a few years ago.

To preface for this, I should say that I just completed my fourth week of Weight Watchers. I've been doing okay so far and have lost a total of 12.4 pounds - not too bad, but I'd still like to see the weight come off faster, who wouldn't like to see the weight come off quicker, right?
Although I do have to admit that I haven't been the most diligent on following the plan exactly.
I've had slip ups - the night at the pub here & there (math gets hard after a couple pints of Newcastle, and WW is all about counting points), friends visiting from out of town, the usual life events popping up.
I've been making modifications to my eating habits, and whenever I make changes to my diet my body decides to change how its going to process said diet, if you know what I'm sayin'.
So, my body has recently decided that this decline in my fat and caloric intake was going to result in it STOPPING from processing everything and I found myself in the supplement aisle of my local discount department store where I discovered this.
I tried it today and can give it an astounding thumbs up. It does its job without any humiliating side effects.
Unlike a supplement I tried a few years ago.
The last time I did Weight Watchers, which was five years ago, I had the same reaction to the change in my diet. Now, I've never really gotten the concept of "less is more". I've always thought "thats a load of bull. More is more, obviously. Its right there in the phrasing MORE IS MORE".
So, when things came to a screeching halt did I go in search of a simple supplement?
No.
When perusing the shelves at the drug store did I think "Oh, heres the gentle womens formula! Perfect, since I am a woman after all!"
Nope.
I thought "Extra-super-duper-get-the-job-done-NOW" BINGO, we have a winner!!!
I bought the extra strength formula, went home and read the packaging and paid special attention to the time frame that it typically takes to kick in. I don't recall exactly, but I believe it was supposed to take something like anywhere between three and twelve hours to achieve the desired results. So, I took the extra strength supplement at work the next day during the late afternoon with the thought that it would kick in after I got home, but before I went to bed that evening.
It never happened.
I went to bed thinking that it would kick in when I woke up in the morning.

Part way through the night I'm awoken by what I think are gunshots.. or maybe a car backfiring. I jumped straight up in bed thinking "What the EFF?!?!?!?!???" I sat up, not hearing anything further, and went back to sleep.
A little bit later I'm awoken again, sitting straight up in bed, by the same gunshot sounds. This time I realized something... I was not being awoken by gunshots, or a car backfiring, there weren't even hooligans lighting M80's in my backyard.
Yes, I was being woken up during the night by the explosive sound of my own ass.
The extra-strength-super-duper laxative was not doing its job, it was only giving me explosive flatulence.

There you have it - one of my most humiliating, yet still hilarious, stories to tell about myself... and its about gas.
The twelve year old boy in me thinks its hysterical.

The Department of Health Is SERIOUS

I had the following conversation with my coworker "Bob" Friday afternoon:

B - So, did you hear about that restaurant in Natomas where one of the cooks had Hepatitas A and all of the employees had to be euthanized?
V - (laughing) Wait a minute. All of the employees were EUTHANIZED??
B - not euthanized, I mean embalmed
V - (laughing even more) thats not any better, "Bob". Are you sure you don't mean vaccinated?