Equal Opportunity Snarker

I've been accused of being a sarcastic smart-ass with my friends and coworkers. Snarky, if you will.
Tuesday I told one of the managers at my work the following story. I told him this as a demonstration that I DON'T save up all of my sarcastic comments for the sales reps that I support.

Tuesday morning I had to wake up at the ass crack of dawn to take my mom to the hospital for surgery on her wrist. She has severe carpal tunnel syndrome, in both arms, and has had numerous surgeries, on both arms, over the years.

We leave for the "ambulatory clinic" where she is scheduled to have the surgery. I'm to drop her off before I go to work, and Granny would be picking her up when the surgery is finished. I have no idea where we're going, all I know is that the clinic is in Folsom. I trust that my mother, the one who scheduled the surgery, knows where she is supposed to be.
As we approach Folsom she tells me the general vicinity of where it is so that I can be headed in the right direction. We get to the general area and I ask her where we're supposed to go next.
Mom "They said to go straight through a couple of lights and turn left."
So I go straight.
Me "Um, are we supposed to be going over the highway?"
Mom "I'm not sure"
Me "Because we are, and theres absolutely nothing out this way."
Mom "Well I told her that I knew where the clinics at that last intersection were and she told me to go through a couple of lights and turn left."
Me "But there are 4 different directions from which you can approach any given intersection."
Mom "I told them I was coming from Roseville."
Me "So, that only narrows it down to two different directions. Whats the address for the place"
Mom "I don't know."
Me "You don't know? Don't you have it with you?"
Mom "No. I left the address with Grandma"
Me "Well, do you at least know the name of the street its on?"
Mom "No. But I think it starts with a P."
Me. "You THINK? How...? What...? OH. MY. GOD."
In frustration, I pull over to the side of the road to call Grandma for the address. Thankfully my new phone (Sprints bastardized version of the iPhone) has navigation so I'm able to plug in the address and get us there, only a few minutes late.
I drop mom off in front of the clinic and pull away. As I'm turning out of the parking lot I look up in my rearview mirror to see my mom standing outside the clinic, staring at me. So, I pull around to see what she needs.
Mom "I dropped the check for my co-pay somewhere"
She starts digging through my car - my car is a disaster. There are empty packs of cigarettes, coffee cups, water bottles, etc. all over the floorboard of the passenger seat.
Me "You dropped it?"
Mom "Yes. I can't grip papers together with how bad the carpal tunnel is. THATS WHY I'M HAVING THE SURGERY"
Me "So, you know that you're unable to grip papers together yet you've got paperwork you have to give them PLUS the check for your co-pay"
Mom "Yes."
Me "Did you think that maybe since you have these papers and a check that you have to have with you that maybe you should've put them IN something?"
Mom "I can't take a purse or anything like that in to surgery, VA-NESS-A" (emphasize the 3 syllables there)
Me "LIKE AN EN-VEL-OPE MOTH-ER, so you don't lose your CHECK"
she looks at me blankly
Me "OR, better yet, why don't you safety pin the check to your shirt? ALONG WITH THE ADDRESS OF WHERE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE?"
Then she found the check, slammed my car door, and stomped off.

Something Entertaining

So, I need to put something up here thats a little less depressing. Something light hearted. Something entertaining.

Here is the story about how my mother C-blocked me about a month or so ago.
Yes, you did read that correctly. My very own mother C-blocked me.

About a week or so after Thanksgiving I call my mom on my way home from work and she is out drinking with a friend. They originally met for lunch and had a couple of margaritas and then moved along to a local bar for gin and tonics. I could tell my the slur in her voice that she is in NO shape to drive home so I head towards Folsom to pick her up.

It was FREEZING cold and I was desperately trying to get my mom to leave when her friend felt it was necessary to get another round of drinks. I go inside to help her carry the drinks and when I come out theres a guy named Dan sitting at our table and my mom is holding her hand up to him. I had noticed him before - we'd briefly chatted and he'd bummed a smoke off of me. I'd noticed that he was cute it a slightly uptight conservative kind of way, but whatever. I figured he was coming from work or something himself.

Dan: Um. She said I needed to sit down and.... release my negative energy?
Mom: Yes. I'm picking up on some negative energy from you, you need to release that. Why are you angry?
Dan: Um. Im not angry.
Mom: What are you mad about
Dan: Um, I'm not mad
Mom: What are you afraid of? fear is a negative energy too
Dan: Im... I'm not afraid
Mom: Did you get in a fight with someone today? An argument with someone? A coworker? Your parents?
Dan: Nooo
Mom: Did you just break up with your girlfriend? Are you hurt about that? What happened?
Dan: Um. I broke up with my girlfriend about 7 or 8 months ago?
Mom: I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! Tell us about it

and it went from there. My mom and her friend attacked him, badgering him about what he could do to get back together with his ex-girlfriend and so on and so on.

The part that REALLY got me was that several times in the midst of telling him how he should get back together with his ex, she said

"You seem like a nice guy! I'd introduce you to my daughter here!"

Trust me, it was a struggle to not
A: scream "Shut the F up then and let US talk!
or
B: "accidentally" knock her 7th (thats right, 7th...) gin & tonic into her lap.

But, I kept my cool and just sat there silently.

The only satisfaction I got out of the whole night was that my mother had a hangover for about 2 days afterwards. Unfortunately, she also projectile vomited all over the passenger side of my car. I found out that those map pockets on car doors can do double duty as vomit basins.

Sigh. He was cute. I wonder if he would mind hanging out with a woman who's mother is looney and prone to drunken vomiting.

After stewing on this for a while, I posted the story on Craigslist Missed Connections. What can I say? He was cute.